scottallen.com » jokes

Monitor Suddenly Turns Black & White

Scott — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 05:28:13 +0000

Some funny people like to play jokes on others by screwing with their computers. Personally, I think practical jokes that include someone’s computer are about as funny as getting your sneaks tied together and thrown up onto a telephone wire. However, goofy things happen to good people.

A friend called me today and said that his girlfriend’s Macbook monitor was displaying only in black and white. Honestly, I thought he was just screwing with me. But it turned out to be a real issue.

System Preferences (click to enlarge)

So, if you happen to be on a Mac laptop, and the screen is showing up B&W, it’s possible that you’re either the victim of a joker, or maybe you’ve accidentally turned on the “use grayscale” feature designed for those with disabilities.

Here is the fix:

Open System Preferences —-> Universal Access —->

You’ll see big words for Display: To the right of that you should see a check box next to “Use grayscale,” uncheck that box. Voila! You have color.

Universal Access (click to enlarge)

If you don’t have color at this point, then get thee to a Genius. If you feel like this is a good April Fools joke for someone, then you might make sure those running shoes are on your feet.

Fun About Driving in Phoenix

Scott — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 04:17:14 +0000

This is a reprint from an email I got tonight:

Only someone from the Phoenix area would understand and the really funny thing is that this is all so true!

1. ‘Phoenix’ actually consists of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, Mesa,
Gilbert, Glendale, Peoria, Tolleson, Avondale, Goodyear, Litchfield Park,
Sun City, Sun City West, Sun City Grand, Sun Lakes, Surprise, Laveen, Apache
Junction, Gold Canyon, and half of the Mexican border.

2. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 am to 9am.

The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00 PM.
Friday’s rush hour to Flagstaff starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph.

On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.
Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.

For example, cars/trucks with the loudest mufflers go first at a four-way
stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the East
Valley , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s an offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent in Phoenix.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the night to
make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs, barrels, cones,
cats, mattresses, shredded tires, rabbits, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners,
quail, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the ‘I-10′ are the same road.

SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY, and is the same as the San Tan Freeway.

Dunlap and Olive are the same street too.

Hayden and McClintock Dr are the same street.

Scottsdale Rd. and Rural Rd. are the same street.

Peoria and Shea are the same street.

Mesa Drive and McQueen are the same street.

Stapley Road and Cooper are the same street.

Apache Blvd. in Tempe is Main Street in Mesa which is Apache Trail in Apache Junction..

Also Glendale Ave. becomes Lincoln Drive.

Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.

I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway .

The Superstition is also known as US 60.

The 101, 202 and 303 remain a large mystery to most of us.

It is not yet determined if there is a Red Mountain and a San Tan or just a
Red/Tan Mountain Freeway all of which is the Loop 202.

The SR51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak
Parkway was too easy to pronounce.

SR101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, it’s the Agua Fria FWY.

Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. — but, Cactus Rd. doesn’t become
Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it has been ‘accidentally activated.’

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly.
If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

13. Please note that there are many, MANY more issues to the phenomenon of
driving in Phoenix –like the 4-cars-through-a-red-light rule — but these
will at least get you acquainted with our unique life on the road.

** HOWEVER *** THE MOST DANGEROUS THING ON THE ROAD ARE OUT OF STATE DRIVERS!!!

We “lovingly” refer to them as Snow Birds

two stupid people get married

admin — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:40:49 +0000

Two stupid people get married.
The night of their honeymoon they are lying in bed trying to make love.

The guy can’t figure out what to do.

Finally his stupid wife says:
“Harry, just take the thing that you play with all the time out and put it where I pee.”

So Harry got out of bed and put his bowling ball in the sink.

Do Not Disturb

admin — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:27:45 +0000

I picked up this joke somewhere…

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!

Ladies and Jelly Beans

admin — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 19:31:20 +0000

Ladies and jellybeans, hobos and tramps
crossed eye mosquitoes and bowlegged ants.
I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you
something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday which is a Friday, there will be a Mothers
meeting for Fathers only.
Admission free, pay at the door, seats as you like them
sit on the floor.
With that I bid you goodnight this morning!!

Dot Com Blues

admin — Wed, 13 Mar 2002 19:37:05 +0000

I wrote this back in 2002 during the first dot com bubble burst.
This is (C) Scott Allen

Hey mom I just got hired by a dot com. We gonna make a million.
Don’t worry that the salary is low, the stock’s going to be worth a trillion.

We’re going on the Internet, we’re gonna be on the web.
Won’t be long till we’re doing interviews just like real celebs.

We’re flying all over the country, we’re hitting all the best scenes.
We’re working all night long, breaking new ground, just like digital marines.

Oh momma these times are tough for techies,
Don’t know what to do.
What happened to my new computer?
What happened to my new shoes?
Oh momma have you heard the news?
Yea, yea baby we’ve got the dot com blues.

The company has been open for 9 months now and hasn’t made a dime.
But that’s okay we’ve got plenty in the bank, and we’ll make it back in good time.

Work has mounted up and we don’t have time to bathe.
I tried to kiss my girlfriend the other day, but she won’t have none of this digital slave.

The last time I went into a meeting I didn’t even have to wear shoes.
But today I’m worried ‘cause something tells me we are going to get some bad news.

God this t3 is really expensive stuff its purchase might have been a little rash. We’re not even up so all it’s good for is Napstering and getting porno trash.

Money is flowing out of this place and cashflow is getting a little thin. Someone joked the other day that paychecks might not be comin’ in again.

Oh we’re in trouble ‘cause the sales force has only sold cars, god they need tutors. They don’t even know the product, hell man they can’t even turn on their computers!

We were making bank. We were rolling in the dough.
It’s just too bad we spent all that cash ‘cause today we’re lettin more people go.

The beginning was so bright, we were masters of our domain.
Now we are fighting to keep our Registrar from shutting us down, again.

So rumor has it that Cisco has a brand new obsession.
That’s right they are roaming the country doing hardware repossession.

Those bastards took our routers today, they killed our entire network.
The CEO slammed his door, the CTO just went berserk.

Oh god what happened to our brave new world? We were so fricken’ cool.
Now it’s the middle of the afternoon, I’m jobless, in the bar, sittin’ on this stool.

What happened to our customers? The chance for that IPO?
We woke up one morning impoverished wondering where did it all go?

Ohh it’s all gone, the money, options, girls, and the drugs. We’re really singing the blues. We partied like rock stars and now all we can afford is cheap booze.

But it can’t be this way, I’ve never had to look for something to do.
I don’t even have a resume and what the hell is a job interview?

Don’t worry momma I’m working for another company and it’s the bomb.
They’re burning all their damn money on bar-b-qs, that’s right baby I just got hired by another dot com!